Greenburgh Public Library Blog

Let's Talk . . . Loneliness and Connection

It’s been four weeks since returning to the workforce and starting as GPL Library Assistant, working remotely with my “full house” of husband, dog, and four teen/young adults. While very grateful to have my family safe, employed, food secure, with technology access and living amidst nature, the sheltering in place and social distancing that has become our new normal has made for some challenging times. 

For me, some of the more challenging aspects are spending most of my day on the computer, but also the delicate balance between togetherness and alone time, and the fact that everyone in my home is not synchronized on either of these. To be honest, sometimes even amid this home full of family, I can feel rather lonely. This is not the first time I’ve felt this way.  I know that loneliness is something that we all experience and certainly is heightened during these unprecedented times...yet, how often do we really name it or talk about it? What impact does it have on our lives...individually and collectively? What can we do about it?

Brené Brown's recent podcast episode of Unlocking Us deals with just these questions, as she talks with former U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy about his new book, Together - The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World. In his book, Dr. Murthy addresses the often overlooked epidemic of loneliness as a public health concern, identifying it as the root cause and contributor to a variety of health and societal problems including addiction, obesity, mental illness, violence, heart disease and the sense of division and polarization in our society.  He references meta-analysis by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, which concludes that “the impact of lacking social connection on reducing lifespan is equal to the risk of smoking 15 cigarettes a day - greater than the risk associated with obesity, excess alcohol consumption and lack of exercise.” Clearly, loneliness is a BIG DEAL, and ironically, we are not alone in experiencing it. Murthy’s conversations with people across the country consistently found that people identified viscerally with how loneliness feels through their stories, though not necessarily labeling it as loneliness, per se. Because loneliness manifests in different ways - anger or irritability, perfectionism, and incessantly “doing,” Murthy says we don’t always recognize it. Further, he acknowledges that there is stigma and shame associated with saying that we are lonely - that we are somehow not likeable or are broken - impeding us from addressing and talking about loneliness the way we need to.  

The reality is we are neurobiologically wired for connection. Understanding the multiple dimensions of loneliness or unfulfilled needs for connection: 1) with an intimate partner or confidante,  2) quality friendships and social companionship, and 3) a network or community that shares our sense of purpose, makes it easier, Murthy explains, to understand why we can feel lonely in the midst of others, even loved ones. 

So what can we do to combat loneliness and foster meaningful connections? Murthy and Brown agree that the foundation for connecting with other people is to connect with yourself. We live in a busy world where we are constantly bombarded with information, making it difficult to notice and easy to avoid our emotions, especially the uncomfortable ones.  Mindfulness can help us to slow down and notice what we’re experiencing, nonjudgmentally.  Mindful breathing can have an immensely calming effect on us, grounding us in a noisy and chaotic world. 

The saying, “Wherever you go, there you are” rings true when it comes to fostering genuine connection with ourselves and with others. We are amalgams of our own unique biology and life experiences that collectively impact the way we deal with the world and others. Self-acceptance helps us to let go of the tendency to perform, do, and perfect in order to to feel worthy of love and connection, and allows us to just BE - to be ourselves and approach people with a willingness to listen and genuinely connect, rather than to be validated. It may be that you are not able to connect and accept yourself fully on your own and could benefit from working with a mental health professional.  That’s OK. You are worth it! Before you shutter yourself off from the world to focus on yourself, take note that Brown and Murthy emphasize the “chicken-egg” way that social connection and reciprocal relationships drive our sense of self-worth, while we need to have a sense of self-worth to form meaningful relationships. 

From Brown’s 20 years of research into vulnerability and shame (have a listen to TEDx talks, The Power of Vulnerability and Listening to Shame), she concludes that embracing vulnerability and the emotional risk and uncertainty inherent in it, helps us to form authentic connections with others.  Doing the work (ever so gently) on ourselves frees us from self-focused shame, allows us the courage to be vulnerable – to share about our experiences, fears, and struggles, and opens us up to empathy and love, the basis of authentic human connections, the key to unlocking our human potential, and the antidote to loneliness. 

JOIN Harvard Bookstore's May 14th Virtual Book Talk with Dr. Murthy and Global Health Corps co-founder, Barbara Bush 

EXPLORE our Mental Health and COVID-19 Resources page  

READ:

• The Risks of Social Isolation - American Psychological Association
• Wherever You Go, There You Are - Huffington Post
• Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
• Find Brené Brown books on Libby by Overdrive